I am sitting at home alone. Taking this Saturday night to listen to Mal Blum albums and read books, zines, and screenplays by friends of mine. Last night I had the best 10 minutes of my comedy adventure yet. I felt confident, and even after watching my set, I still felt good. Even if, watching it, I see that I still have a long way to go. I have good instincts. Someone reminded me yesterday that I was only trying this out. I got defensive. I am doing more than trying this out. I am committed. I say that I am giving myself a year to do comedy because I am afraid. So many people from my past seem completely surprised that I would be doing comedy. Often they say things like, “but you’ve never been funny.” or “that seems terrifying.” I am doing comedy three times a week. I am watching, talking and writing comedy. I have had to start doing some other things with my time because comedy is informed by life. I am still trying to live an exceptional, remarkable life. Yesterday I went to the Seattle Centre and met a woman and her three children because I confusedly thought the Children’s Museum was closed because of Bumbershoot. It was not Bumbershoot (a music, comedy, and every festival), and the museum was not closed. Which we found out when we entered the building to take our children to pee. Still she was an amazing person. Her children were sweet little people. I made a friend. I realized how much I missed having daytime friends. I have sequestered myself away with my children because I am moving back into Seattle for September, and I have but one really good friend here(in the place where I live during the day), and she is busy during the day, and I am busy at night. It is lonely. I love my children. Still the lack of friendship and adult interaction has taken its toll. I still jump into conversations unabashed.

Like this one:

Recall a recent dialogue between you and a friend.

Me: I once broke up with a boy after watching a movie. It was an intense movie. What was it called? (gesticulating) It had rose petals. Lots of rose petals…and Kevin Spacey!

He: American Beauty! Wait. Did they call it that in Canada? (He was on a roll of Canadian jokes and this one was so hilarious that I doubled over and laughed until I almost cried.)

 

I love my comedian friends. I miss my poet friends. My Almonte friends. My back home friends. I miss not being so lonely. Still I am relearning to listen to the loneliness in my heart, and reminding myself that I have things to tell myself. I need time to listen to me.